To: Scott Porad <scottporad@gmail.com> From: Scott Porad <scottporad@gmail.com> Date: October 26, 2013 Subject: NSA for TSA Swap
Dear NSA,
I have an idea for you, and since you’re reading my e-mail anyhow, I figured sending an email to myself was the easiest way to tell you about it.
An intervention: you have a problem. Admit it. Like an alcoholic who owns a bar, you can’t see that you’re completely out of control, illegally spying on all sorts of people, domestic and foreign alike. You think that you’re just doing your job, serving up drinks and being the life of the party, when what you’re really doing is making a fool of yourself to your patrons.
My plan would help Mother Jones relax!
Given that I use all sorts of online services, I have no doubt that the you’ve illegally intercepted a bunch of my personal data. Am I okay with that? I don’t know.. maybe, maybe not. Privacy is a complicated subject, and I haven’t made my mind up yet.
But, you know what I do know: I have absolutely nothing to hide. You could look at every web site I’ve ever surfed, every email I’ve ever sent, all my telephone, banking and credit card records, my travel records, my photos, Facebook, Twitter…whatever.
Yes, there will definitely be a few embarrassing things found, but I swear to goodness, there is nothing even remotely resembling a national security threat in there.
My life is just not that interesting. Sorry to disaapoint.
Now, hold that thought because I want to tell you that this week I traveled from Seattle to Denver. (Haha! You already knew that.) This trip meant two passes through the TSA security screening. As you know, the TSA is a giant hassle. Most people I know hate the TSA, but we don’t need to go there right now. You’ve heard the stories.
And, like most people I know, I really wish I didn’t have to deal with the TSA.
This got me to thinking: it turns out that we each have something the other wants. I want less headache at the airport, and you want to validate that I’m not a terrorist. In other words, time is valuable to me and information is valuable to you.
So, let’s make a deal: I will give the you permission to read all my personal, private stuff and in exchange you will make it so that I can skip the TSA at the airport.
And, of course, if after reading through my stuff it turns out that I am a terrorist, then you can just come and get me since my mobile phone will tell you my location.
Whaddya think? Seems like a fair deal to me. A real genuine win-win.
Sincerely yours,
Scott